How I Got Here (Part Three)

I really love my life.

I have a husband, four healthy kids, and I live in an old farmhouse out in the country.

(Our front yard last summer.)

Micah and I have made a good life for ourselves.

Several months ago I was talking with a friend and she made a startling comment. She said to me, "You know, you really come across like you have it all together. From the outside it looks like you have a perfect life." I knew she meant no ill-intent, but I was shocked! My heart sunk. I said to her, "I would never want people to think that of me!" And I meant it! I know people who like to pretend they are perfect. I don't want to be like that.

I'm enjoying God's blessings in my life right now, but it was a hard road to get here.

I love every minute of my life at home with my family, but it wasn't always this way.

This is how I got here... Part Three....

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Micah and I decided to get married. Our future seemed bright. We were happy.

We were also blissfully unaware of what was waiting for us.

I mentioned in Part Two (labeled under "family stories") that the enemy was lurking and plotting an attack. Of course we didn't know this, but he was waiting for his chance.

He hit us hard.

Not long after we had begun our life together, our marriage suffered a trauma. By getting married into this particular situation, I had entered something I was unprepared for and knew nothing about. A broken situation; a hurting situation that involved a past, that involved dynamics, and that involved issues. I soon found myself swimming in water too deep for me, and I was quickly drowning.

I should tell you, it's important to me that I don't speak for others or tell their story. I will not be revealing information about the other people involved. I believe everyone has a story, and each person's story is his or her own to share, on their terms. This post is just about my story.

"Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

Now that I look back on the situation, I can see it was the devil at work, but at the time, while I was going through it, I didn't see it this way. I was blindsided. I was confused. I believed I had been deceived by people I had opened my heart to.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."  Ephesians 6:12

My heart was broken.

During this time, the hurt was so fresh and raw, that I couldn't see clearly. I had believed that the whole thing was my fault!  But as the dust began to settle, and I began living in the aftermath of betrayal, that hurt turned into anger.

I became mad!

I mean, I. Was. Mad!!!

Thoughts like, "I didn't sign up for this..... I don't deserve this... This isn't fair... How could you....." began to eat away at me, and because I was feeling that way, it began to eat away at my marriage.

I lost trust.

I lost sleep.

Over time, that evolved, and turned into bitterness.

My heart was growing dark, and no one knew. 

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

The bitterness was growing stronger and taking hold until I finally just felt trapped!

Trapped in a situation that I hated, but could do nothing about.

After several years I had reached a point of such hopelessness that I finally wanted out! Out of my house and out of my marriage to find some relief!

I remember packing up the baby and driving to my parents house. They prayed over me and encouraged me, but there was nothing more they could do. I pleaded with the Lord that He would provide a way for me to be set free from my situation. I wanted out of my marriage. I was miserable.

My parents understood the difficulty of the situation and could see how deeply I was hurting, but they strongly advised me to stay where I was and stick it out.

Deep down, I too, knew the Lord was calling me to stay in my marriage. It felt hopeless, but I made the hard decision to stay. I remember saying to the Lord, "No matter how bad this gets, and no matter if you redeem this or not, I will choose to follow you and obey your Word."

One morning during my quiet time, I read Psalm 15.

"Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill?..." It goes on to give a list. The end of verse 4 pierced my heart. God had a promise for me that morning. "... He who keeps his oath even when it hurts.... He who does these things will never be shaken." 

I had already told the Lord I would keep my oath even though it hurt. He was answering me back, "I will make sure you will never be shaken."

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There was still a lot up ahead for me, however. I still had some traveling to do on the road to healing.

Next, the Lord had to rid my heart of bitterness.

"See to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Hebrews 12:15

To think that my bitterness could potentially hurt my children was an unbearable thought. I pleaded with God to heal me from it.

I would read Psalm 19:7 every day as if I were taking medicine, "The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul." My soul needed reviving! 

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Looking back on all of this, I needed help. I was crying myself to sleep at night. It was the most challenging time of my life. But I was a Christian! I was suppose to have the joy of the Lord! I was a new mother, I was suppose to be glowing! I couldn't bring myself to admit I wasn't ok. Can a Christian with a "good life" admit to such a thing? Would the church police come after me? Would I be demoted to "second-class" Christian? 

Well.... I wasn't ok!!!! 

There.

I said it.

"When I kept silent, my bones wasted away..." Psalm 32:3

I did my best to move forward, but there was one final blow Satan had for me...

Regret.

I may have agreed to not leave my husband, but I began to despise my situation and regretted ever getting married at all. The regret was so debilitating my wedding day would haunt my thoughts. I believed that I had made a terrible mistake. I wished another woman could come in and take my place so that all this could be her problem and not mine.

Certainly this couldn't be what God had for me, otherwise I'd be happy....

I wasn't the right one for Micah, he would have been better off marrying someone else....

I'm not cut out for this life, this home, and this family....

Yet again, I found myself pleading with the Lord for relief. 

One day, an acquaintance, who knew nothing about my situation, shared this verse with me...

"... He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live." Acts 17:26

The scales fell from my eyes. The chain Satan had on my heart fell loose. I was struck....

But I am exactly where God wants me to be!!!

How had I never heard that verse before? I've spent my life in church and never knew that existed!!!

This is why I'm a huge believer in never hesitating to share God's word with others!!! Even Christians!

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword." Hebrews 4:12

I was freed that day.

I haven't battled regret since.

Fast forwarding to today...

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Healing came for me through years of prayer and reading God's word.

That's it.

I never had counseling. I never took medication. I never picked up a self-help book. With the exception of my mom, I never reached out to anyone to "vent". 

Maybe some of those things would have helped me heal quicker. I will never know. I just know that after years of living in something that was hard because I believed God wanted me to stay in it; now I have peace.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

So.... as I begin to conclude, how does one friend asking me to share my "love story" on my blog amount to all of these posts? 

Because all of this had to be included to tell the real story.

We are just now, after almost ten years, stepping into our happily ever after. We are just now experiencing restoration. We are just now loving each other and prioritizing our marriage.

This is my love story.

The story of how God eventually made our relationship great...

"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me, you stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18:35

And the story of how the enemy tried to destroy us...

"No weapon forged against you will prevail." Isaiah 54:17

But couldn't!

So you see, my friends.... I'm not just naturally happy....

My marriage didn't just happen to be blessed....

I'm not just blogging about home living in a safe little bubble, never having known a problem....

No,

I've earned my happiness.

I've fought for it.

The Lord delivered me....

This Is How I Got Here.

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~Courtney

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33